It’s that time of the year again – well, it was that time of year again a few weeks ago – but close enough, where I sit down and think of things that I want to accomplish in the next year. I have thought about this topic quite a bit actually, even before the calendar flipped over to the new year. It’s sort of anxiety inducing but at the same time, it’s nice to have a list to look at and cross some things off. Resolutions have never really been my thing, as like most people, I find that they are hard to keep. There has been one major huge gigantic mega goal that I have been able to come up with that will definitely be a challenge to obtain, but will be totally worth it… Ready?
MAKE ME HAPPY
Now to some people this may not seem like much of a stretch – but let me elaborate. It’s about to get all kinds of personal up in here. A few years ago during a traumatic break-up, I decided that I needed to seek out the help of a therapist. I have always battled with depression, but I hit a pretty low low and knew that I could no longer deal with my issues myself because my current coping was not working for me.
I was diagnosed with depression (shocker! hah) and as a co-dependent. Talk about an eye opening experience. When I thought of co-dependency I always thought it meant that I was dependent on others to do things for me and make me happy. In a way this is true, but it is pretty much the exact opposite. I only feel happy when making others happy. Whether it means that I sacrifice my own happiness, money, time, etc. to do it that is how I feel happy, and when those people betray me, my brain cannot wrap around why they would do that because of everything that I feel that I have done for them – which they may have not even felt like what I was doing was out of the way for me.
A light went on. And it was actually kind of refreshing to know that there was a method to my madness. I have been making myself miserable for years under the guise of feeling happy that I was helping others who either a) never asked to be helped b) don’t appreciate the help c) never knew how I felt. Breaking the habit of co-dependency is a horrible feeling. I am by nature a people pleaser, a yes (wo)man, and apparently have no backbone. I have a hard time saying no and this usually gets abused. When I was in therapy I had to make a list of things that week that I either said no to or that I was doing for myself. It was hard in the beginning, but after a while, it started to feel really good.
It was nice to know that my friends wouldn’t hate me, or hell, even think differently of me if I said no to something. Work did not reprimand me for saying no either – the world kept spinning, and nothing catastrophic happened. I started to feel better, and really empowered by my new found ability to say no. Now don’t get me wrong, I am still selfless – I volunteer with a non-profit, I help friends in need, etc. etc. but I would look at things in a different way. Am I doing this because the person is asking for help or am I doing this because I feel compelled to help them to make me feel happy?
Flash forward a year or two – I am falling back into my old ways. I have become complacent about my own happiness again and its really starting to wear on me. So my goal this year is to make me happy. Do things that I want to do. Go places I want to go. Accomplish things I want to accomplish. Not steamrolling others in the process, but not putting too much stock into how I think they will feel – when in reality I have no idea. I am paralyzing myself and my dreams because of how I think others will perceive what I am doing as selfish instead of either a) having faith that the friends that I have will respect my choices and encourage me or b) associating with people who only use me for my inability to say no.
I am on the cusp of turning 30 – and feel like I have accomplished more for others than I have myself, so this is a year of change. Wish me luck.
Oh and I also want to: finish a half marathon, run a half marathon at Disneyland, get rid of my storage unit, thin out my possessions, read 30 books, blog more on here and Spoil your Dinner, pay down my debt even more, save to move out, buy a new car, create something every week, make a new friend (or friends!), get my memorial tattoo on my leg, try one new food a month, and keep in better contact with my friends.